reflections

randomly read one of my old xanga entries today, it was dated oct.2006, in the junior year of my high school.. I can't imagine that I wrote like that back then hahaha

Oct.2006- a long entry about a bad day and at the end of the entry.....
"you know....sometimes i just want to break down and run to the farthest corner in the world and stay there....alone. nothing to hope for, nothing to worry about, nothing to hurt me...
i'm beginning to understand why people commit suicide.....when you died, you don't have to feel any more pain, you don't have to worry about anything...........even if those close to you will feel sad, they will move on as life goes on..... the earth will still revolve, the sun will still rise from the east.... so nothing will change much after you are gone, so why not relieve yourself and be gone?
don't worry, i'm not planning to kill myself anytime soon, i still want to at least try what college feels like and fall in love at least once, lol"

Wow ok, I no longer consider running to the farthest corner of the world as a solution to my problems (thank God..), and suicide? wow I didn't know I considered that back then hahaha.......... goodness, I'm glad I grew out of that phase..


"try what college feels like" --> it feels ...busy lol.... but nevertheless fellowship and friends are a big part of college life, and I praise God for my friends and family!

As far as "fall in love" goes, haven't experienced that yet x)  but well, it'll come when the time is right :)

I also wrote in the entry "somehow, i wish i can be like him, working toward some reachable goal, but gah...i feel so lost and helpless...i don't even know if my goal is attainable now..........................." 

I know now, after so many years, that my goal is to walk with God and live to Glorify Him, live according to His will, love God and love others.  Praise God for how He changed me! =)