STEP1 last week, definitely one of the most trying times in my life.. especially in the few days before. My own insecurities, fear, guilt, culminated in a downward spiral to darkness. My body was physically acting up, and I had insomnia for days.
I never had problem with sleep before in my life (it was always sleeping too much), and when insomnia hit... it was just terrible. Imagine laying on bed for hours and hours, wanting to sleep, but simply cannot... you have no control over your body, the time ticks by, the frustration builds up till morning time you finally doze off a little bit then the alarm sounds.
Physically, mentally, and probably spiritually I was in a mess. My head tells me I need to trust in the Lord, but my heart refuse to listen. Despair feeds on itself, and builds up around you to blind you to the truth, not to mention satan's lies to distance you from God. I thought I was never going to get out of that dark valley of death...
Then I decided to postpone my exam for a few days, and in that few days, God worked miracles of healing in me. He reassured me of His presence and providence in my life through various things that happened and people around me, even at midnight the day before my exam. I can't even fathom how everything happened, but I praise God for His mercy and grace.
Then this week was Good Friday and Easter. I feel as if I understand a little better now Christ's prayers at Gethsemane, his sufferings, and the glory of his resurrection.
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the Just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
We have been buried with him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have become united with him in the likeness of his death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of his resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin. (Romans 6:4–6)
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