On community

Something that has been on my mind since retreat-- community. Seeing the different groups of people interact @ retreat reminded me of my own need for community.  Growing up, I always had a close knit of friends, people who I knew since kindergarden... so I always took that for granted, until I came to the U.S.  I find myself naturally drawn to other Chinese kids @ school, especially the "1.5 immigrant generation" (ppl like me who grew up in China and came to US w/ parents).  When I came to Houston, I was able to find a small group of friends w/ similar background as me, and i'm still good friends w/ some of them until this day. However, college separated us in different colleges and cities.... once again, I looked for another community.

Freshman year I tried to participate in different groups.... but didn't really feel connected to any group in particular.  In fact, I often wondered around campus feeling lost, empty, and confused on why I feel this way.  Finally, series of events led me to question my purpose in college and in life. And so... I begin to seek out God and who He really is.

It was kind of random that I stumbled upon CCF. I never thought I would be so active in a Christian fellowship on a different campus. In the beginning, I had to really try hard to convince myself to go to cell group... it was scary to be honest, I barely knew anyone in the group, I'm a naturally timid person,  and I don't think anyone really reached out to me. On top of that, I didn't really know that much about Christianity... I didn't even know how to pray. Many times I have questioned why am I putting myself through all this, and yet God has drawn me  to seek Him every time.  There was something unique about this group that I desired to be part of, something deeper than even our cultural background (since many of the CCF-ers grew up in Christian family in the states).

I think I caught a glimpse of what I was looking for during Freshman year's summer fellowship.  Originally I was planning to attend a summer program out of state, but due to some other reasons, I chose to stay...and God blessed that summer. It was still a little scary sometimes to go to fellowship because there are so many people, alas I enjoyed the time of fellowship w/ brothers & sisters from different schools.

And after the summer fellowship.. I decided to stay w/ CCF.

Truly, I have learned a lot from CCF. About God, about Christians, about how to serve, about how to be vulnerable in sharing, about the importance of prayer.

However, even after 2.5 years w/ CCF, I still can't say if I find a close community there. Maybe it's the cultural difference, maybe it's the physical difference, maybe I just haven't reached out enough, maybe I'm just idealizing a Christian fellowship and expecting too much from it.  Honestly I find myself jealous sometimes of the close groups of friends I see at CCF...and it's a little bit sad that I can't really see myself as part of those groups.

Only one thing is certain -- God has planted me here for His purpose. Instead of asking why, perhaps it's better to ask, what for?

Looking back, I see God's hand working in many areas in my life. He has also put me through times of trials, times of training, as He has done for Moses. He tells me to depend on Him, to trust in Him, to have faith in Him, for nothing is impossible with our God. Again and again He answers my prayers and showers me with blessings. The more I get to know God...the more I realize how sinful I am, how sinful all of us are.  And yet God gives me HOPE that people can change and have new life.

And so, as imperfect as I am, I decided to take the leap of faith to take up the girl leader's position for cell group. I wanted to show others just how wonderful our God is, how much joy it is to be His children. But, in fact, this has proven much harder than I expected. I can see that many people are drawn to CCF for community (like I was)....but when CCF is unable to provide that community, are people just going to fall away? Can their thirsty souls be quenched just by the short word times and occasional sunday sermon/ class?  How can we expect people to love and care for one another when they barely see one another, or barely know about Christ?   We can't force people to like one another...

This hit me hard. How can i help others to be part of CCF community, when I have a hard time finding a community at CCF myself, even after all these years?

Now, I hate to end in such a pessimistic tone. Lately, things have been looking better. I'm encouraged to see that some people are growing and learning to reach out. I really appreciate my discipleship times w/ L & Y, and also for T and other sisters who have been praying for me and cell group.  I'm hopeful for CCF, and I pray that it continues to grow and exemplify God's love and unity. I pray that people can learn more about God, so that they can give back to God in ways that's glorifying to Him. I also pray to trust in our Lord alone... He is the only one who can change people's hearts.



Hum, didn't really expect to write so much... perhaps this can be part I of senior reflections. Looking forward to what God has planned for part II.